the view from my room for the next 2 weeks
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Jan 6, 2012
هلاوس : كل شىء و لا شىء على الإطلاق
ربما كانت رؤية كيف يعيشون و هم ستة أفراد فى قارب لا يتعدي الثلاثة أمتار أمراً محيراً.
نعم هو قارب ليس غرفة و لا شقة .... قارب . و كل أملهم فى الحياة أن تسقط الحكومة عنهم عشرة آلاف جنيه ضرائب لممارستهم حرفة الصيد.
ربما كانت رؤيتها و هى تبكي و تطلب أن يحضروا زوجها الذي إختفي مع سفينة كاملة بدون أى أثر .. سفينة و ليس توك توك ... و عند السؤال يقال لها أن تنسي و تتركه للزمن .
مشاهدات كثيرة و مواقف أكثر ..
ربما كانت ثورتنا العظيمة التى ظلمناها بإسم ثورة و حكمنا عليها بالفشل.
فلا يوجد ما يسمي بالثورة السلمية ... الثورة تقطع رقاب و تولي رقاب .. تستبدل نظام بنظام و سادة ,بسادة آخرون .
و لكن ...
هل حقاً يتغير النظام ؟!
و هل تغير من قبل فى اى مكان ؟؟ و فى اى دولة ؟ بل فى اى شكل من أشكال الحياة ؟
فالسادة يتم إستبدالهم بسادة آخرون و العبيد بعبيد آخرون و صورة العبودية بصورة آخري .
و سلسلة الطعام تبقى كما هى .. هناك من يَأكل و هناك من يُأكل و هناك من يحاول أن يكون من الصنف الأول و ليس من الثاني, أحياناً ينجح و غالباً يفشل .
إذا كان هذا هو المبدأ فأين نحن ؟
أنحن فى خانة المفعول به إلى هذا الحد ؟
تخيفني هذه الفكره إلا حد بعيد .
ألا يكون لي أي يد فيما حدث, فيما يحدث , فيما سيحدث !
لماذا أعيش إذاً ؟
تقول لي نفسي :
احاااا .... و لماذ تموت ؟؟؟
الموت مثله مثل الحياة ... فقط لا تعلم له قواعد أو شكل ... فمن يذهب لا يعود
نعم ... لماذا أموت ؟؟؟
لماذا نموت ؟؟؟
إذا كانت الفكرة فى خلقنا أو وجودنا هو الحياة فلماذا نموت ؟
تقول لى كل شىء يموت فى النهاية !!
إذا الحياة غير ذات معني !! الموت هو النهاية و البداية .
إذا الفكرة فى الموت ؟!
إذا كانت الفكرة فى الموت فلماذا الحياة ؟؟
لماذا لا نخلق أو نوجد أمواتاً مباشرة و يسمونها الحياة ؟
بالنسبة لي .. الحياة وحدها تحمل معاني كثيرة .
الموت وحده فيه المعني نفسه .
و لكن الموت و الحياه مجتمعين ... احا !
ما الغاية !! إذا كان كلاهما يهدم الآخر !!
ما المهرب إذا !!
صديق قال لى : أريد أن أختفي ... أتلاشي !!
هل إذا اختفيت سأفقد وجودي كمراقب ؟
إذا كان نعم فكأني لم أكن ... نعم تبدو كفكرة جيدة !!
من حكم أن مجيئي كان بفكرة جدية فى المقام الأول !!!
إذا كان لا فأنا كما أنا ... فقط أصبحت غير منظوراً ..
فاكس --- SPACE MAN BALLS
ربما كانت الفكرة فى الآن !! فى هذة اللحظة و فى هذا الوقت .
فهذا هو كل الوقت و كل اللحظات .
كل حياتي و كل الحيوات .
الآن .
الآن لا ينتهي .. و لا يصبح ماضى و لا يأتي بعد حين . فهو ما أملك و ما أري و ما أسمع و ما أحس!
اللعنة إذا على الماضى و على الحاضر و على المستقبل.
بل و على الموت و الحياة مجتمعين !!
فالآن هو كل شىء و كل شىء هو الآن .
و لكن
كيف تعلم أن الآن هو الآن ... احا
فالحواس قاصرة ... فالاحلام تبدو حقيقية .
و بضعة حبوب مخدرة قادرة على صنع عالم من الوهم ربما كان حقيقياً أكثر من الحقيقة نفسها ..
أليست الحقيقة هى ما تصدقه ؟؟ إذا الحقيقة فى ذاتها غير ذات معني سوي لك ؟! و تأثيرها لا يمتد سوي إليك ؟
اللعنة على الإدراك إذاً .
اللعنة على الحقيقة .
اللعنة على السادة و اللعنة على العبيد .
اللعنة على النظام و اللعنة على اللاعبين.
اللعنة على الموت و اللعنة على الحياه.
اللعنة عليك يا سيدي .
اللعنة على الكون .
اللعنة على التفكير.
اللعنة على كل ما يعكر صفو مزاجي.
حقيقة كان أم وهم .
موتأ كان أم حياة .
اللعنة عليا إن كنت أنا السبب.
فالكل متساو و الكل فان و الكل ذو معنى و المعنى لا معني له.
ياخي احا
Jan 4, 2012
WHAT THE FUCK AM I!!
A FUCKING MACHINE ...
30 mins ago I was thinking about killing myself by overdozing and now that I've started over dozing I actually feel REALLY good that I have disregarded the entire notion and decided to build myself little a book shelf from scratch and maybe sell some to people if it looked nice !! WTH
I mean really . is that all it takes to bring me from a suicidal person to a creative optimist!!!! FUCK THAT
and FUCK the other grumpy THAT too... why on earth do I not feel normal without anything !!
30 mins ago I was thinking about killing myself by overdozing and now that I've started over dozing I actually feel REALLY good that I have disregarded the entire notion and decided to build myself little a book shelf from scratch and maybe sell some to people if it looked nice !! WTH
I mean really . is that all it takes to bring me from a suicidal person to a creative optimist!!!! FUCK THAT
and FUCK the other grumpy THAT too... why on earth do I not feel normal without anything !!
The truth is
see, the truth is I can't be alone right now. Once i'm alone a 89492354767478 ideas just spark in my head like a red hot iron rod.
I can't focus, I can't eat. can't read. the only thing i'm able to do is SLEEP for hours,days even and then wake up with one hellish headache that just won't go away no matter how many pain killers you take..
I can't ask to be with people , I'm too old for that shit and I know better than this..they all have there problems.
but I ...i mean, what am I supposed to do ?! . anything I might ask from friends now will be misunderstood for some not so pleasant near history and I ... i'm awfully lonely.
I can't focus, I can't eat. can't read. the only thing i'm able to do is SLEEP for hours,days even and then wake up with one hellish headache that just won't go away no matter how many pain killers you take..
I can't ask to be with people , I'm too old for that shit and I know better than this..they all have there problems.
but I ...i mean, what am I supposed to do ?! . anything I might ask from friends now will be misunderstood for some not so pleasant near history and I ... i'm awfully lonely.
The down side of being an optimist
The nothingness beyond .. no wait.. nothingness is ... nothing
I have nothing to say, nothing to do, nothing to give, nothing to believe, nothing that is mine...
All I can feel is a few hours of drugs induced laughs and then back to bitterness and anger over the time lost doing nothing..
I've never really counted myself as an optimist, but it turns out that I'm and I've always been.
I always knew things will eventually be better and I'll get what I need ,although always expecting the worst out come at every real-time scenario going on ... I have no idea how those two can go along just fine in one person's head ,but that's just the ways it.
no for the first time in my life I'm about to give up. I'm tires, exhausted , and have no will nor desire to anything at all... I too scared to say it ,but may be I should just die now and be over with...
no I DO NOT WANNA DIE , or i'm TOO SCARED to die as a matter of fact.
Optimistic me: plus things never really stay the way they are for long and will eventually get better.
Pessimistic me: yeah, good luck with that.
O: you had so many good times in the past few years right?
P: and how many bad -as in fucked up beyond imagination- times exactly?
O: you are happy with your friends aren't you ?
that was the drugs you fool , which I feel guilty about using it after sobering up 10 times more than fun I get from it.
O: STOP tormenting yourself, damn it.
P: it's like I choose to. tell me how to do that and i'll fucken do it in no time.
O: well, I you are so damn angry and bitchy about your life then why don't you kill yourself and spare us the headache?
P: Now that would have been a good idea if only you weren't there ,DORK!!
O: you are missing the point!
P: No dear, YOU are missing the point.
I have nothing to say, nothing to do, nothing to give, nothing to believe, nothing that is mine...
All I can feel is a few hours of drugs induced laughs and then back to bitterness and anger over the time lost doing nothing..
I've never really counted myself as an optimist, but it turns out that I'm and I've always been.
I always knew things will eventually be better and I'll get what I need ,although always expecting the worst out come at every real-time scenario going on ... I have no idea how those two can go along just fine in one person's head ,but that's just the ways it.
no for the first time in my life I'm about to give up. I'm tires, exhausted , and have no will nor desire to anything at all... I too scared to say it ,but may be I should just die now and be over with...
no I DO NOT WANNA DIE , or i'm TOO SCARED to die as a matter of fact.
Optimistic me: plus things never really stay the way they are for long and will eventually get better.
Pessimistic me: yeah, good luck with that.
O: you had so many good times in the past few years right?
P: and how many bad -as in fucked up beyond imagination- times exactly?
O: you are happy with your friends aren't you ?
that was the drugs you fool , which I feel guilty about using it after sobering up 10 times more than fun I get from it.
O: STOP tormenting yourself, damn it.
P: it's like I choose to. tell me how to do that and i'll fucken do it in no time.
O: well, I you are so damn angry and bitchy about your life then why don't you kill yourself and spare us the headache?
P: Now that would have been a good idea if only you weren't there ,DORK!!
O: you are missing the point!
P: No dear, YOU are missing the point.
Dec 21, 2011
Crappy Senses 1
How come whenever you are empty in the wort way possible even a small achievement like reading a book or washing the dishes can make you feel very comfortable like you have solved tall the puzzles of the universe.
and you keep telling yourself that you did something really great ,something wonderful and you never think about that you really did. you just say it was great.
The second you start thinking about what really happened is the second you lose the feeling and instead get faced by the worst feeling of failure.
Both feelings are very exaggerated not real in a way.
the question here , shall I keep fouling myself and be happy for it or face the reality and feel like crap!!
and you keep telling yourself that you did something really great ,something wonderful and you never think about that you really did. you just say it was great.
The second you start thinking about what really happened is the second you lose the feeling and instead get faced by the worst feeling of failure.
Both feelings are very exaggerated not real in a way.
the question here , shall I keep fouling myself and be happy for it or face the reality and feel like crap!!
Dec 20, 2011
Neurotic me
"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days."
-Sylvia Plath
There is always a good reason!
"There's a reason you separate military and the police. One fights the enemies of the state, the other serves and protects the people. When the military becomes both, then the enemies of the state tend to become the people."- Commander William Adama
Nov 24, 2011
Tahrir - Nov. 2011 - Pics
It starts with something very much like this !!
And will definitely end like this!
Nov 7, 2011
The shape of things to come!
A new life awaits me in a matter of days, got a new job and moving to Cairo which I TOTALLY loathe.
it has to be done though, hopeful, doubtful, skeptical and anticipating the days to come.
it has to be done though, hopeful, doubtful, skeptical and anticipating the days to come.
Nov 1, 2011
Irrationality sucks
Confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks.
note to myself:
please dude, fight Irrationality. it will literally get you FUCKED
and you fucken KNOW IT.
Fear
as hope rises, fear also rises.
I hate being disappointed, it kinda breaks me ...
I'm scared, it's not visible to anyone looking at me ,but i'm really scared, from almost everything.
I'm too scared to even hope for something fearing it might actually happens and I won't like it ! or I do ,but i'll end some day ,all things do.
I know it's not logical to think like this, it's kinda silly actually ,but i'm just thinking out loud..
it's really scary to be scared alone ...
I hate being disappointed, it kinda breaks me ...
I'm scared, it's not visible to anyone looking at me ,but i'm really scared, from almost everything.
I'm too scared to even hope for something fearing it might actually happens and I won't like it ! or I do ,but i'll end some day ,all things do.
I know it's not logical to think like this, it's kinda silly actually ,but i'm just thinking out loud..
it's really scary to be scared alone ...
I'm not scared of the dark , I'm scared of what I might see in the light.
Oct 22, 2011
African Proverb
Indecision is like a stepchild: if he does not wash his hands, he is called dirty, if he does, he is wasting water.-- African Proverb
ay kalam
scared, confused, trapped, empty... but is escaping is the real answer? working for me so far.. if i'm still in the same condition then it's not really working ,but again I didn't kill myself so it is ,right!
well, a BIG FAT I DO NOT KNOW .. I thought that comes with confusion!!
well, a BIG FAT I DO NOT KNOW .. I thought that comes with confusion!!
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