The down side of being an optimist

The nothingness beyond .. no wait.. nothingness is ... nothing

I have nothing to say, nothing to do, nothing to give, nothing to believe, nothing that is mine...
All I can feel is a  few hours of drugs induced laughs and then back to bitterness and anger over the time lost doing nothing..

I've never really counted myself as an optimist, but it turns out that I'm and I've always been.
I always knew things will eventually be better and I'll get what I need ,although always expecting the worst out come at every real-time scenario going on ... I have no idea how those two can go along just fine in one person's head ,but that's just the ways it.

no for the first time in my life I'm about to give up. I'm tires, exhausted , and have no will nor desire to anything at all... I too scared to say it ,but may be I should just die now and be over with...
no I DO NOT WANNA DIE , or i'm TOO SCARED to die as a matter of fact.

Optimistic me: plus things never really stay the way they are for long and will eventually get better.
Pessimistic me: yeah, good luck with that.
O: you had so many good times in the past few years right?
P: and how many bad -as in fucked up beyond imagination- times exactly?
O: you are happy with your friends aren't you ?
that was the drugs you fool , which I feel guilty about using it after sobering up 10 times more than fun I get from it.
O: STOP tormenting yourself, damn it.
P: it's like I choose to. tell me how to do that and i'll fucken do it in no time.
O: well, I you are so damn angry and bitchy about your life then why don't you kill yourself and spare us the headache?
P: Now that would have been a good idea if only you weren't there ,DORK!!
O: you are missing the point!
P: No dear, YOU are missing the point.